anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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