I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize