I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
