Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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