I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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