Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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