How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
