She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
