I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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