I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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