the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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