Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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