Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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