The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you had me at cake vodka
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
