I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
