yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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