Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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