the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
