I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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