her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
