You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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