I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
