I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
