Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
