Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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