Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
