I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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