and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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