dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
