I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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