I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
