Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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