now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
