I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
