he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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