i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
