9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
