This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
