I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
