you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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