hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
