using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize