and i looked up. we had an audience...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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