the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
