At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
