I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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