bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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