I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
