Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
