A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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