why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
