It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
