we're chasing vodka with high fives
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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