I smell stomach acid.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
