I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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