Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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