i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
