his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
