Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
