Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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