My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
