is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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