also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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