help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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